


A Part, Apart

by daintylemonsquare



Category: Dalton Academy Series
Genre: Angst, Communication, Fluff, Jogan mentions, Julian and Logan went to therapy, M/M, Unprotected Feelings
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-10-20
Updated: 2019-12-03
Packaged: 2020-12-24 23:43:42
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 4
Words: 12,990
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/21107942
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/daintylemonsquare/pseuds/daintylemonsquare
Summary: When Julian Larson recovered from his injuries following Hell Night, Clark was there with a fresh start. When Julian Larson came back to Dalton after months away, Logan was there with the rest of his baggage. When the end of the year approached, Julian Larson looked both ways before crossing.





	1. What Are You Doing New Year’s Eve?

**Author's Note:**

> I'm sorry, Dani. I couldn't call it Battle of the Blondes.

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> _Maybe I'm crazy to suppose_   
_I'd ever be the one you chose_   
_Out of a thousand invitations_   
_You received_   
_Oh, but in case I stand one little chance_   
_Here comes the jackpot question in advance_

Clark and Julian talked a lot since Julian went back to Dalton. Clark found himself attempting to match their schedules despite them being so incongruous. Julian had standard classes. Clark’s week looked sporadic at best. Nevertheless, when Clark checked his watch (a watch Julian got him), he knew what class Julian was in. Meanwhile, Julian memorized his week better than he did himself and sometimes texted him a reminder faster than his manager could. Clark joked that it felt like he was living a double life. Julian countered that this was his life for the last four years, give or take. Then Clark would say, “Not for long though.” Julian would echo him with a nod and the tiniest of smiles almost hidden behind an oversized sleeve of a Dalton sweater. Clark would go warm and he might blush during the half-knowing silence that followed. And then Julian would ask about that thing that Clark had to do at the end of the week that Clark didn’t really want to do. 

But while Julian was out in LA, recovering, their schedules couldn’t revolve around the other’s as often has Clark liked. Julian couldn’t go back to work just yet, despite his haphazard protests. There was physical therapy and there was therapy-therapy, but that was it for Julian for the most part. That made Clark’s trailer a little lonely. It was always the case whenever Julian wasn’t around to film but he was around. He was in LA. He just couldn’t film. Not when he just got out of the coma. 

He tried visiting as much as he could. Sometimes, he’d be turned away because Julian needed his rest. Clark never insisted, but Julian would insist for him. 

“I’m bored. I didn’t jump off a building just to die of boredom after recovering from that,” Julian said. Clark learned to laugh at those. 

During these visits, Julian would end up nodding off in the middle of an anecdote. Julian was quieter nowadays so Clark wouldn’t notice until he looked down and Julian’s mouth hung open with his neck in a position that didn’t look comfortable. Clark would move him to a better position. Sometimes Julian woke, sometimes Julian didn’t. Either way, Clark stared at him, glad that he was here. 

Soon enough, Julian would nod off on Clark’s chest or his lap. It was then that Clark allowed himself to stroke Julian’s hair and wished that he could cancel that meeting he was supposed to be at within an hour or that recording session he promised the guys he’d be at for sure after Julian and they made bets that he would cancel. 

Clark eased Julian off when he decided it was time to be a responsible adult with a career to take care of. (He’d always be late but he could blame it on traffic. Sinny changed Julian’s name on his phone to “LA Traffic” the third time he made that excuse.) Most of the time, Julian stayed asleep and Clark made him comfortable with a pillow and a blanket. Towards the better part of recovery, Julian woke up. 

“I’m sorry,” Julian groaned as he stretched like a cat. 

“Don’t worry about it.” Clark chuckled as he continued to gather his things. If he paused for even a second and sat down again, he wouldn’t leave. 

“You could wake me up you know,” Julian said in the middle of a yawn. He stood too. 

“Yeah but then—” Clark caught himself. There was no way he could say “but then how will I be able to write my songs if I can’t stare at my muse” and get away with it without Julian laughing at how pretentious he sounded. Even he couldn’t take himself seriously just thinking it. 

“Then you’d whine about being woken up,” Clark continued, half a beat late. “And it’s about as grating as you think it is.” 

If Julian noticed, he didn’t say anything. He’d snort and walk Clark to the door. They would hug and Clark didn’t allow himself to linger. Julian didn’t need that. Julian needed a friend. It was as innocuous as it could get. Not even the paparazzi could twist it into anything else. 

Then one day Clark found out that Julian was leaving for Dalton and everything lingered. His gaze, when Julian promised that he wasn’t to jump off of anything. His hand on Julian’s hand, when he told Julian that he didn’t have to go back. His silence, when Julian played with his fingers as he told Clark why he was going back. His embrace, when Julian walked him to the door for what seemed to be the last time and Julian said that it was his senior year, so he wasn’t staying there any longer than he had to. 

Finally, his thoughts. They lingered on that moment after the embrace where Clark could’ve held Julian a little while longer and kissed him. 

If Julian noticed, and Clark hoped he did, Julian didn’t say anything. 

“Tell us what happened,” Raven said when Clark and Mikey came back with a late dinner after a long writing session. 

“Nothing...happened?” Clark set down the pizza with trepidation. 

Corey waved a quarter-inch thick ream of paper with music and lyrics on it. “You wrote ‘I should’ve kissed you’ every two pages and all this came from today’s session. Spill.” Clark closed his eyes and wished he could disappear. It was one thing to be exposed as “totally in love with Julian Larson.” It was another thing to be exposed as “totally in love with Julian Larson” because he was too heavy-handed with it through song. 

Clark told them. He didn’t tell Julian. Not for another month. And, unlike the now-scrapped overused lyric that showed his hand in the first place, he used other words. 

“Hey, what’re you doing for the holidays?” Clark asked one day near winter.

Julian shrugged. “Go home and see my parents like any good boy, I guess.” 

“And New Year’s? Heard from Reed that there’s going to be a party in Miami,” Clark continued, making sure that his voice remained level even though his heartbeat begged to differ. 

Julian rolled his eyes. “Yeah. It’s unconfirmed at the moment but it seems like that’s where it’s headed.”

“Something wrong?” 

“No.” 

“Are you lying to me?” 

Julian crinkled his nose. “Nope. It’s nothing important.” 

“Are you lying to yourself?” 

Julian laughed and Clark’s world turned ten shades of gold. “It’s mom. She doesn’t want me partying, like the cast hasn’t snuck me out multiple times before.” 

“Miami is pretty far,” Clark commented. 

“I didn’t know that, Dad. Thanks for the reminder.” Clark’s throat bobbed. He didn’t want to unpack his immediate reaction to being called “Dad” just yet. 

“All I’m saying is that there aren’t any shortages of parties here in LA,” Clark said, arms raised. “You spent last year away from home too. Why not spend one here so that we know that you actually like it here?” Julian laughed again. “Izzy’s throwing one. C’mon.” 

“Yeah, I know. I got her invitation along with Patrick’s. We have got to talk to him about using Photoshop. Graphic design is  _ not _ his passion.” Clark laughed. “And it’s not like he doesn’t have money to pay someone to make something look cool. I don’t know what he’s thinking.” 

“Why don’t you fly here and tell him to his face when Izzy’s party turns out to be better than his crazy rave?” Clark maintained the grin Julian left on him but it dimmed when Julian grew silent. 

“Anything else you’re lying to yourself about?” Clark prodded, half in jest. 

Julian sighed. “It’s my last year and everything’s been...decent here. I feel like I should be there to check off a high school list of experiences. Have fun with the people I went through Dalton with, you know?” He paused. “But then I’m not sure if that’s just out of obligation or if I really want it so that kinda sucks. Plus my therapist is on vacation for two weeks and this isn’t exactly an emergency.” 

“That’s why you got me instead,” Clark replied. 

“Yeah. That’s why I got you.” Julian turned to the camera again. And they stare at each other so long that Clark could feel himself say “I miss you” and feel himself pretend Julian saying it back. 

“So,” Clark licked his lips and cracked his knuckles under the table, “Izzy’s invitation said we could bring a plus-one.” 

“So?” 

“So I’m asking you to be my plus-one,” he said calmly. Meanwhile, the back of his knees began to sweat. More parts of him began to sweat when Julian didn’t reply right away. 

“Oh.”

“Yeah,” Clark blurted. “Unless you’re opposed?” He said instead of saying “unless Logan has anything to say about it?” He tried not to let that part of the Julian Equation to get to him. For the most part, it didn’t. Right now it did and Clark didn’t like that simmering heat that overpowered the warmth that came with seeing Julian. Logan never did anything to him. He shouldn’t hold any sort of grudge, no matter how small. 

“No. I’d love that. Actually,” Julian said, suddenly bashful and small behind the screen. 

` Clark shook his head and tried not to smile too wide. “Great. I love that you love that, actually.” He reached behind him to get a guitar. “Now that’s out of the way, I can serenade you with songs I wrote about you without any shame.” 

“You fucking dork.” 

“Hey, you’re the one who said yes on a date with me.” 

Julian chortled. “You got me there.”

From then on, Clark played him something every night. Not all of them were drafts or originals. Most of them were requests from Julian. Not all of them were live. Sometimes Clark sent them during the day or the middle of the night for Julian to listen to when he was awake.

One night, a few nights before Julian was back in LA, Julian was quiet. Exhausted from school, he said. Clark could tell there was more, whether it was in his tone or the way his gaze flit about behind the camera or just his gut. But if Julian said that it was school, it was school. 

“Play me something,” Julian said as he placed the laptop on the bed and reclined beside it. Clark wished he could reach in, hold him, and ask him what was wrong and if he could hug it all better. 

Clark grabbed his guitar. “Anything?” 

“Anything.” 

Clark plucked a few notes, tuned the guitar, and waggled his head around for a few songs. Absently, he began stringing a few chords together, playing with the melody from time to time, and humming along. He stared at the screen, waiting for Julian to interject. If it was too sad or too peppy. He tended to that when he was feeling chatty. He wasn’t. 

Clark went over a favorite song to warm-up some more. Then he played a cover of one of Julian’s songs, which made him smile and roll his eyes. Then he played an over enthusiastic version of an old song Haven sang when they were a run-of-the-mill boyband, which made Julian snort and shake his head. Then Clark went back to futzing about with melodies and chords. When he found a set of them he liked, he took a few pauses to write them down. After the fourth round of him writing it, he noticed that Julian had fallen asleep. 

Any normal person would’ve ended the video call then, but Clark took a screenshot and watched Julian sleep, just like old times. It was during moments like this that Clark remembered how many miles away Julian was. He remembered how much plane tickets cost and how long the flight would be to the last minute. He remembered how much a ride from the airport to Dalton Academy would. He remembered the weight and warmth of Julian’s head on his body and how much he missed Julian. 

There was always that moment during the last four months of the year when people realized how fast the year had gone and how fast the end of the year was coming. For so long, time moved slowly, and now it was hurtling them to a new year. With Clark, New Year’s Eve couldn’t come sooner. Each day made him impatient and each call with Julian made the countdown a little more excruciating than the last. And although Julian gave his invitation to Logan and Derek, Clark was unbothered. They hadn’t gone on a proper date but slipping into this new stage of togetherness was as easy as playing the guitar. As with playing the guitar, Clark supposed they had a lot of practice. 

“Clark?” Julian rubbed his face. “What time is it?” He slurred. 

“Time for you to keep sleeping. I was just about to end the call. 

Julian smiled a sleepy smile and Clark’s heart throbbed for the heartthrob. “Liar. You’re totally Edward Cullen-ing me right now.” 

“What can I say? You’re my personal brand of heroin.” 

Julian scoffed. “Ugh, goodnight.” He pressed a hand on the camera. Clark laughed. 

“Goodnight. Sweet dreams. And J?” Julian lifted his head. “Let me know if you want or need to talk about anything, okay?” 

“How much are you charging me?” 

“A million hugs and kisses.” 

“You fucking dork.” Julian tilted the laptop enough that enough light found his face. “Goodnight.” He pressed his fingers to his lips and blew a kiss. Clark did the same. The call ended. Clark went back to writing yet another song about Julian Larson.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Next chapter:  
"Logan paid attention to Julian more often these days."


	2. Tonight You Belong to Me

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> _My honey I know_   
_With the dawn_   
_That you will be gone_   
_But tonight_   
_You belong to me_

Logan paid attention to Julian more often these days. He saw the bravado in Julian’s mask and the determination that held it up. He saw the limp that staggered through him. He saw the glint of sharp anger whenever he tried to help. Then he saw it soften into acceptance. He heard sentences that started with “my therapist told me” and he saw the soft surprise when he echoed it. He noted the distance. It was almost imperceptible if Logan hadn’t made it a goal to be more mindful of the people around him. Sure, he paid attention to Derek. He paid attention to Bailey. He paid attention to Austin. He paid attention to the new perfect. He paid attention to the space where Mr. Harvey was supposed to be and to Ms. Medel. But when Julian came back, all his attention pool around him. He was making up for something. He didn’t need his therapist to tell him so. 

Julian only touched him when there was no other way around it. Gone were the days of casual arms on shoulders. Gone were the easy way Julian leaned on him when he laughed. Gone were the sunglasses. Julian still wore them around school like that asshole that he was but he didn’t wear them as often as before. They sat on his head. When he glanced at Logan, Logan saw. And Logan didn’t want to read much into it but that couldn’t be helped. He was gone and he was silent and they hadn’t said a word that mattered to one another for so long that Logan felt like he was holding up a magnifying glass to see if there were any more words between the lines. Between-between the lines. 

It wasn’t like they didn’t have a long conversation when Julian first arrived in Stuart House at the break of dawn. They did. After all the pleasantries, the hug that he didn’t think he would receive, and the smile he didn’t think he’d see again outside the glossy pages of magazines or blown up posters or cold screens, Julian sat in his room and they talked. 

There should’ve been comfort, even a smidgen of it, knowing that someone was in love with him. With Julian, it was discombobulating at best, tainted at worst. They didn’t talk about that moment specifically. It wasn’t easy to bring up. Mr. Harvey’s death was easier to talk about. Clavell was easier to talk about. When they ventured close to that territory, and it was easy to step on it too, the room grew cold and hot and quiet. 

There was no way easy way to say it. Logan felt awkward even trying to word it in his head. Silence almost seemed preferable. 

Julian huffed. “Are you going to ask it or am I going to have to do it myself?” 

An old, half-familiar anger whipped through him and Logan closed his eyes, bringing himself into one of his many therapy sessions about what he should do in case he wanted to use the momentum of that whip. Choice retorts sizzled behind his clenched teeth. He waited until they fizzled away. 

“Sorry…” Julian murmured. 

“Yeah. No. It’s fine,” Logan replied, sighing and every muscle relaxed after he countered to twenty-one. “I don’t know how to say it. I don’t know where to even begin with it.” 

“Rip the bandage.” Julian shrugged, looking out the window. “If there’s no way to ease into it, what else are we going to do? Skirt around it some more? Have our therapists mediate for us?” 

Logan found himself smiling and it surprised him for a second. Julian’s eyes flicked to him then back out the window. He smiled too. When those dwindled and the silence crept in again, Logan said it. 

“Do you still love me?” Logan’s stomach turned as soon as he said it.

Logan noticed how Julian’s posture stiffened like it still caught him off-guard. Julian curled into himself. He looked at his knees when he said, “Does it matter if I say yes?” 

“I don’t know…” And Logan didn’t. It was one of those things Logan never managed to crack, even in therapy. So much of it was focused on Logan’s impulses that maybe they didn’t dig into this aspect of the situation deep enough. He loved Julian but he didn’t know what shape it took and if it matched Julian’s or if it should match Julian’s or if it’ll fit even if it didn’t quite match Julian’s. Or if it should matter. 

“But I want you around. I missed you when you were away. It sucked when we didn’t talk. I don’t know how to feel and I think it’s better that way for now.”

Julian shook his head. “Fow now…” He pulled his knees to his chest, leaned his chin on it, and sighed. He turned his head towards Logan. “I missed you too. I’m sorry I didn’t text. I just needed to be away for a little bit.” 

It was nice to be missed. It was nice to hear an apology for a slight that didn’t matter, considering. “You’re always away. You get used to that sort of thing if it happens enough times.” Logan managed a placating smile. “But it’s nice to have my best friend back.” Logan offered his hand. Julian took it with a squeeze. 

And though it went unspoken, they promised each other not to make it awkward or weird and that it was back to business. 

For the most part, it wasn’t so bad. Julian being around kept him at ease, the same way having Derek around kept him at ease. He felt complete in a way that he hadn’t for so many months. He smiled more often. They joked around. They yelled at each other over stupid things like they used to. It was the kind of normal that Logan craved. 

Still, Logan noticed those moments of distance and he couldn’t blame Julian. Until he figured his own feelings out, there was no use forcing something that may or may not be there. Logan wasn’t opposed to it. If things weren’t so fragile, he would’ve pursued it with the same passion as he pursued other boys before. But Julian wasn’t just Some Other Boy. Julian was his best friend. Julian, like Derek, was off-limits up until that horrible, coerced moment. That in mind, his anger spiked and he spent a few hours in the gym to imagine punching Clavell into a pulp. This wasn’t supposed to be confusing. A beautiful boy was in love with him. It should’ve been as straight-forward as two boys kissing could be. And yet, ambiguity lingered like a bad cold. 

He loved Julian Larson but he wasn’t sure if that love was platonic because it was always like that, that he saw nothing more than a best friend, or if he was forcing it to be platonic because thought of romance with Julian was terrifying and dangerous. Pursuing it meant there was more chances of him ruining it and then losing Julian forever, therefore, he should keep it in the safe zone.

He loved Julian Larson but he wasn’t sure if that love was romantic because it was always like that and he never allowed himself to feel it that way since he thought Julian was straight, or if he was retroactively putting a romantic lens on their past just because Julian found it romantic. 

What he knew for sure was that he wanted Julian in his life and that he didn’t want to hurt anybody important anymore. And as long as Julian smiled and laughed and meant it, Logan decided not to overcomplicate it. 

But it kept being complicated. 

“You and that Clark guy, huh?” Derek asked when Julian gave him the invitation to a New Year’s party in LA. “How long has that been going on?” 

Julian kept smiling. Logan couldn’t make heads or tails with what was going on with his chest when that happened. He sat down. Julian said, “Some time? I don’t know.” Logan paid attention to Julian more these days. He heard his laugh behind the walls. He heard the way he said, “Oh, I’m just talking to Clark,” when Logan walked in looking for his physics notes. He heard Clark’s pleasantly saccharine and sincere greeting, as if they were old friends, which sent Logan on another gym session where he punched way too hard. 

Clark and Julian had been going on for more than “some time” and Logan had no idea what to do with that information and if there was anything to do with that information. Julian was happy. There was no ambiguity there. 

“So, what do you think? Are you coming?” Julian asked. 

Derek turned to Logan and Logan’s tongue shriveled and curled into itself. He sat on his fingers. “Well, I’m okay anywhere you guys will be and I’m definitely okay away from Father Dearest. Michelle will want Christmas though.” 

“Yeah. Fuck senior year and the Dalton party! We’re gonna be dining with the stars, baby,” Derek exclaimed, raising his hands for high-fives that the two of them willingly gave, despite him ending the sentence the way he did. 

Thankfully, there wasn’t much of school left when Logan found himself distancing from Julian. If Julian noticed, and Logan hoped he didn’t, he didn’t say anything. There wasn’t much to say. With all the deadlines, the exams, the college admissions stress, Logan could think of many excuses to why he’d been brooding in his bedroom. In a twisted way, he was glad he was overworking himself with school. At least then, he wouldn’t have to deal with jealousy that Clark didn’t deserve and a sense of possessiveness that Julian didn’t ask for. Sure, he blew up a few unwarranted times. Sure, he may have ripped one of his therapist’s throw pillows Sure, he made the new perfect cry a little. But that could be attributed to school stress. 

His therapist knew better. He didn’t have to tell Julian that. 

“Hey,” Julian said as the door creaked. 

“What.” Logan kept his arm over his eyes. It was a long day. It was the last day of school this semester and on top of the exams he had to endure, Logan couldn’t stop thinking about Julian flying back to LA tomorrow and what that meant. 

The bed dipped at his ankles and Julian pried Logan’s arm off. “Whatever it is, it better be important,” Logan grumbled. 

“I’m here to cure you of your tempestuous dickbag disease.” Julian tossed something into Logan’s face, causing him to flail around, thinking it was a prank. Instead of lashing out, Logan wrapped his hands into his sheets and sat up. 

“What the fuck, Julian?!” 

“Jesus, just look at the tickets.” 

There was a concert nearby that was already sold out by the time they even thought of trying to get them. And of course, Julian Larson had them right there. They were good seats too. 

“Does Derek have the third ticket?” Logan asked. 

“Hell yeah he does. It starts in three hours.” Julian smacked him on the thigh. “Up and at ‘em. I already strong-armed people to get me those tickets. I don’t think they’ll postpone the show if I’m late.” 

Logan wondered what it would’ve been like if it were just him and Julian. Then he shook it out of his head. He got dressed.

The concert itself was a much needed reprieve from the real world. Logan could feel a deep part of himself uncoil for what seemed like the first time in months. Sleep deprivation gave him a high that was held back up until this moment. He cheered, sang, danced, and jumped with the crowd, with Julian and Derek. 

Logan didn’t realize there had been a five-foot wall between him and Julian until this inhibitions got lost in songs shouted at the top of everyone’s lungs and strobe lights. If Julian realized this too, he didn’t say anything. All he did was hold Logan’s hand during a slow song about new beginnings and shared a smile with him. Julian shared a smile with Derek too but Logan wasn’t sure if they were holding hands too. Derek was getting a little distracted by the girl who sat beside him. 

That same girl ended up being the reason why Logan and Julian were left alone for the remainder of the night. 

“That horny motherfucker couldn’t wait until tomorrow,” Julian said, pretending to be more upset than he actually was. They were walking down a few blocks to this Chinese restaurant they liked. “I’m leaving for LA and he follows his dick.” 

“Who needs him, anyway?” Logan, still vibrating from every song that concert gave, threw an arm around Julian’s shoulders. “Straight people. So predictable, so disappointing.” Julian snickered, leaning his head back into Logan’s arm. 

“I’m glad you had fun,” Julian said, after a pause. 

“Yeah. Thanks for getting the tickets.” 

“No problem.” They stared at each other. Logan was too aware of where his skin met Julian’s. “C’mon, let’s pick up the pace. They’re closing in the next hour.” 

In another timeline, this could’ve been a date. Late night dimsum after a concert, discussing fortunes in fortune cookies, a streetlight-lit walk to their lost Uber driver, singing from the front gates of Dalton to Stuart house. It seemed so easy. It was like a puzzle that was almost completed, except key pieces were missing. There were no hands being held. There was no dancing around whether or not they should kiss goodnight. There were no clothes being taken off when they climbed into Logan’s bed. And even though Julian didn’t mention him, Clark’s existence permeated this date that wasn’t a date. 

It was finally quiet and still. The hours leading up to the concert and the concert itself was nothing but movement and sound and chatter. The peace seemed jarring until they settled into it, staring at the ceiling. Logan’s thoughts and feelings, the same ones that he had shrugged off earlier that night, squirmed awake again. He sighed, focusing on the last five hours, hoping to flush them away. He shouldn’t let his issues soil the evening they had. It was a good one. He needed to focus on the good ones more. 

But one thought remained. Julian would be gone tomorrow and what that meant for the future didn’t sit well with Logan’s stomach. And he couldn’t help but think he could’ve done something to make Julian stay a little bit longer. 

“Oh god. That’s the second sigh in five minutes. What’s wrong now?” Julian turned to Logan. 

Logan shook his head. “It’s…” Nothing, he wanted to say. Nothing was the word that wouldn’t ruin everything. Julian would pry, of course, maybe become upset if Logan continued to evade it, but that was preferable to Logan fucking it up more if he said anything else. 

“Lo?” The teasing lilt to his voice was gone. “What’s wrong?” 

“It’s...just...I’m going to miss you. So much.” Logan began to cry. He didn’t expect tears to spring up and overflow but there they were. “This is stupid. I’m seeing you on New Year’s.” He wiped his eyes. “And the next semester. You’ll be back for the next semester, right?” Logan turned to Julian, whose smile curled into soft amusement. 

“Yeah, I told you I would. Why do you think I’d change my mind?” 

Logan sniffled, not answering. “And afterwards? After summer? When Derek and I go to college?” 

“Oh, Lo…” Julian took his hand. It was so easy. It fit too well. “You can’t get rid of me. After all these years, after all the bullshit, do you think I’d drop you guys like that?” 

“Yeah, yeah. I know.” Logan let out a wet chuckle. He wiped his face again. “Sorry if I’m being an emotional bitch.” Julian made an amused sound under his breath. “I just get so afraid that I’ll do something wrong again that’ll push you away and I’ll lose you forever. That’s why I’ve been a little strung up the last couple of weeks.”

“A little?” Julian echoed incredulously. 

“Okay. Yeah. You know what I mean.” Logan couldn’t help but smile. He squeezed Julian’s hand and let it go. He shouldn’t think about how easy it was.

“Do you trust me?” Julian asked. 

“Of course,” Logan replied without even thinking about it. 

“Then trust me when I say, there’s not a lot that you can do to drive me away. Not that this point. The times I left before, it was because I ran. And I’ve no reason to run anymore. No reason to hide. Nothing to avoid.” Logan knew that someone who wasn't him helped Julian out with that. It was such a bittersweet epiphany to have. Julian squeezed Logan’s wrist. “Do you understand?” Logan nodded. “Okay. Wanna get some popcorn and watch a shitty movie to yell at it?” 

Logan smiled. “Yeah.” 

Julian fell asleep in his bed in the middle of the movie. Derek came back around the same time. Logan narrowed his eyes at him. Derek put on a sheepish grin and shrugged. Logan waved him off after putting a finger to his lips. Derek lingered at the door but didn’t comment. Logan didn’t want to think about that too much. 

Logan made it a quarter of the way through the movie before he began nodding off. For a minute or so, Logan wondered if he should wake Julian up so he could go to his own room. Within the same minute, he pictured that alternate timeline again, where this moment was a date orchestrated by him. 

Logan laid Julian down beside him, turned off the lights, and laid down beside him. Just tonight, that was the real timeline. Just tonight, he let himself think that this was an innocuous date. Tomorrow, he could just say that he didn’t want to deal with a whining Julian. Tomorrow, Julian was going to be Clark’s and there was nothing Logan could do to stop it. 

Julian’s breath mingled with his own. In the dark, there was nothing but Julian’s warmth. He put a hand on Julian’s stomach and eased himself closer. Without warning, Julian shifted around, stirring and smacking his lips. Logan began to recoil when Julian’s arm slid around Logan’s waist and his head rested on Logan’s chest. He remained asleep. Logan managed to wiggle his arm free underneath Julian’s neck. 

Julian’s hair was soft against his face when Logan buried his nose into it. He breathed Julian in and thought this was nice. He could get used to this, even though he shouldn’t. Just tonight. Then tomorrow, it’ll be out of his system. He hoped it would. Logan pressed a kiss on Julian’s head and then held him closer. 

There was no denying that he loved Julian Larson. That love took too many forms for him to comprehend. Love was already a complex thing with many heads and appendages that tangled around one another until it was an indiscernible mass. Julian didn’t need a confused boy. Logan didn’t need to ruin one of the few good things in his life. There was so much more he could’ve said when Julian asked him what was wrong but Logan decided some things were better left to daydreams where he could wander in his what-ifs. He loved Julian enough that he knew not to meddle with and muddle the new relationship he had with Clark. He loved Julian enough to know that his happiness took precedence. 

“I love you,” Logan mouthed. Tonight, it meant one thing. tomorrow , it could mean another thing. That mess was Logan’s to bear, not Julian’s.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Next chapter:  
"Julian remembered once upon a time when he yearned for Logan so badly that his chest hurt at the mere thought of him."


	3. If We Were a Movie

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> _In the end, we'd be laughin'_   
_Watchin' the sunset_   
_Fade to black, show the names_   
_Play the happy song_

Julian remembered once upon a time when he yearned for Logan so badly that his chest hurt at the mere thought of him. Every touch, every look, every smile started a bonfire. As much as he hated it, he orbited Logan. No matter how hard he tried to push and pull and run, the gravity created by his unrequited love yanked him back. Sometimes kicking and screaming, most of the time with enraptured resignation. 

When Julian woke up wrapped in Logan’s arms, in Logan’s bed, bathed in a mixture of Logan’s cologne, his fabric softener, and a little bit of his sweat, Julian remembered all those times he’d kill to be where he was now. He buried his face into Logan’s chest, trying not to move too much, looking for that part of him that still loved Logan the way he did before. This was for him. That sad boy who could have anyone who wanted except for the one who mattered the most. That lonely boy who was seen by millions but went unseen by the one who he couldn’t help but see no matter how tightly he closed his eyes. That boy deserved this moment. 

And he was there. Julian could feel that prick of pleasure, that tiny bit of him that wanted to savor this for as long as he could. He let himself think that he could wake Logan up with a kiss. Then they would smile at each other. Then they would kiss and kiss and kiss until they made up for lost time and Julian would be the happiest he’d ever been. 

Julian slid out of Logan’s arms. Logan didn’t move too much. He pressed his head into the pillow and stayed there as Julian climbed off the bed. His face was warm. His heart was waking up faster than his mind could. He took a deep breath. 

He remembered wishing to wake up to Logan’s face every day for the rest of his life. Now, he wasn’t sure. Because there was Clark. Because he learned to live with Logan knowing that he was in love with him and Logan not doing anything about it. Because he learned to give himself love instead of waiting for someone to give it back to him. Because he was tired. Because there was Clark. 

Julian did worry about the possibility that Clark was just Julian’s placeholder for Logan. Tall, blond, musical, a close friendship that needed ruining—it seemed like an obvious and easy displacement. Julian had indulged his desperation for touch when he was recuperating in LA. He leaned on Clark, slept on Clark’s lap, let himself imagine that Clark played a more significant part in his life and then let it go when Clark left. During that time, he was unsure about how he felt with Clark, if it was real or not. There were certainly moments that Clark’s behavior could be construed as more than platonic but Julian dismissed that as his own wishful thinking. 

It wasn’t until the day he told Clark that he was going back to Dalton that he noticed the way Clark lingered on everything, even and especially their hug goodbye. He thought Clark was going to kiss him. He really did. Clark didn’t, though Julian’s face tingled as if he did. 

Julian wasn’t ready to confirm any assumptions. He was on edge throughout his move back to Dalton. He wrote and deleted “I’ll miss you” a few times before deciding not to bother. He had too much on his mind, knowing that he was going to see Logan again for the first time in months. He’d been working on “grounding oneself in the present” as a concept with his therapist. 

Then Clark texted him first, a few days into the swing of things of things in Dalton. “I miss you,” he said, late one night when Julian woke up from a nightmare. And that’s when he knew it wasn’t wishful thinking. 

With Logan responding the way he did, and without a romance visible on the horizon, Julian replied, “I miss you too.” 

“Can’t sleep?” Clark replied immediately. 

“Nightmare.” 

“FaceTime me?” And Julian did. 

They continued from there and Julian really wished he kissed Clark when he had the chance. 

Julian had everything rearranged and redecorated in his heart. Shrines had been taken down. Pictures of an imagined perfect future were replaced. His baggage was in organized piles. He swept most of the ashes out. The boy who still loved Logan Wright urged him to crawl back into bed, into those arms he’d dreamed and daydreamed about for years. Now was his chance. Now was the moment. 

Julian stood up, pulled the blanket up to Logan’s neck. Half-way forgotten feelings bubbled under his diaphragm. This wasn’t his chance to take anymore. That Julian wasn’t allowed to come back. The past wasn’t allowed to define future choices. He loved Logan. He still remembered what it was like to love him—how it burned, how it swarmed, and how it consumed him. 

But Clark was waiting for him in LA. 

Julian left Logan’s room in a hush. He packed his suitcases without waiting for coffee or thinking about what could’ve happened if he stayed in that room, that bed, those arms. He rationalized Logan’s embrace. He made a list of those rationalizations and put “Logan loves me back” at the very bottom of the list even if a part of him screamed to put it at the top. 

And even if Logan did belatedly reciprocate, it dragged with it a slew of questions Julian rather not have answered. Why now when he was with Clark? Was it because Logan was getting possessive of the love Julian kept out there? Was Logan’s love contingent on Julian’s suddenly becoming unavailable? Did this mean that if Julian left Clark for Logan that Logan would soon grow complacent with that love and realize that he didn’t really want that, he just wanted Julian to be around more often as a friend, which would land Julian back to square one? Was this all just a reaction to Logan potentially losing Julian to Hollywood? Or was it everything Julian had ever asked for before Clark? 

Julian didn’t let himself think about them too much. This wasn’t a movie. There was no jumping into the untangled unknown. He’d done that before. All he got was a coma and physical therapy. Clark was waiting for him in LA. He didn’t have to jump to be caught. Clark, solid even from afar, was already cradling him. With Clark, there was no fear. And he was so tired of being afraid of loving someone. 

Logan came knocking when Julian was almost done throwing everything into two suitcases. “Jules?” He said. Julian didn’t reply. His head sizzled when he heard Logan. “Are you awake? Your flight is in three hours. You still need to pack and I’m not going to help you. You always pack too much.” He knocked again.

Julian took a steadying breath. “Yeah. Hold on.” He walked to the door and opened it. “What’s up?” 

“Morning,” Logan said at the end of his yawn. He held up a mug. “Coffee?” 

“Thanks.” Julian took it and sipped. Just how he liked it. “I should get back to packing. Is Derek awake yet?” 

“Yeah, he’s downstairs.” 

“Cool. You tell him to get ready too. I will not allow myself to be seen saying goodbye to a couple of unkempt teenagers.”

Logan snorted. “Are you forgetting that you’re also a teenager?” 

“Are you forgetting that I’m Julian Larson?” He tapped their mugs together then closed the door. 

Julian leaned on the wood. He felt like Logan was still standing there with the same yearning pause. Or he wished Logan was. Wishing and feeling mingled all the time when it came to him. He shook away the unpleasant familiarity. There was no time to contemplate the rewind button. Julian made his choices. If Logan was aiming for a chance, it wasn’t there anymore, and Julian wasn’t going to bring it out again. The years he spent loving Logan weighed on him and Julian decided that he would rather swim than continue to sink. Ever since Clark, being with Logan was going to be nothing more than a “what if.” Possibly his biggest “what if,” aside from Sebastian. And Julian had made his peace with that. He put that notion in the grave. He visited it from time to time and left flowers. He promised himself not to dig anything up. 

He hated the fact that he couldn’t wait to get out of Ohio and to LA. He hated the fact that it was because he wanted to get as far away from Logan as he could. The car ride to the airport was almost unbearable. It tainted the goodbye. He used his smile to power his way through it all. If Logan or Derek noticed anything, and he’d be surprised that they did, they didn’t say anything. The conversation remained lighthearted. The hugs were long and seemingly genuine. Julian felt bad for the performance but it was for the best. All of these feelings he was having about Logan were going to blow over. Whether it was while he was flying or when he was with Clark again, it was going to end. 

He hoped. 

He wasn’t sure what he’d do if he got to Clark and his feelings kept bursting out of the grave. 

The flight crept by. The movies numbed him well-enough, so did the bit of wine he managed to get by dropping his sunglasses, flashing a smile, and saying please, just this once. Whatever he watched seemed longer than normal, but soon he was finally landing in LA. He brought up his phone to look at the last message Clark sent.

“Can’t wait to pick you up,” he said with five exclamation points and three hearts (one pink, one purple, and one blue). Julian’s heart flipped, though he wasn’t sure if he was excited or anxious. His morning discombobulated any certainty he had about his feelings. He wished he could’ve just binge on every Haven song he had on his phone and he could have his emotions in check but genuine, in real life feelings were hard to manage that way. 

With the security team Carmen hired right on his tail, Julian made a beeline to the baggage counter. No one seemed to notice him yet so he kept a steady pace, head down, glasses up. He even put one of Derek’s dumb hats after taking a photo with the crew when he got off the plane. The anticipation of seeing Clark again in the flesh snowballed. Whatever happened next with them was going to be the confirmation Julian’s heart demanded. Was he staying or was he flying back? He hated that he even had to question it this far along but things could be different when there wasn’t a screen separating them. 

“I’m here,” Julian typed while waiting for his suitcases to show up on the belt. 

Clark replied not a second later. “I know [winking, kissing emoji] 

Julian was starting to compose a playfully sardonic retort when someone tapped his shoulder. He straightened his posture and prepared a smile. “Excuse me? Are you Julian Larson? Can I have a picture? I’m a huge fan.” Unlike most fans, that voice sent a thrill through Julian’s bones. The prepared smile disappeared. He whirled around, looked up, and saw the blinding familiarity of Clark Sawyer’s grin. 

Clark inclined his head and pulled out a bouquet from behind him. No roses. Just a beautiful array of lollipops. “Welcome home,” Clark said. Julian laughed as he went in for a hug. If he wasn’t already blushing from the bouquet, Clark’s tight hug and whispered “I missed you so much” had him glowing pink, top to bottom, inside to outside. 

“Can I kiss you?” Julian blurted quietly. Clark tensed then they pulled away. He searched Julian’s eyes then the audience that they started to garner. Julian’s heart was pounding. He just wanted to see. He wanted to know. 

“Are you sure?” Clark replied. It wasn’t like they were hiding anything, unless the people around them thought the bouquet was somehow  _ b _ romantic instead of romantic. But it was their first kiss. They often joked about where and when their first kiss would happen—at their wedding day, on a beach during sunset, underneath the stars atop the Hollywood sign, in the rain, on New Year’s Day while fireworks happened, on a rollercoaster. Although “by the airport baggage counter” wasn’t one of them, it was an iteration of many, mundane settings where they were just going to kiss without too much fanfare. 

Julian nodded. Clark chewed on his lips and bounced once on the balls of his feet. Before Clark could wrap an arm around him, Julian went on his toes, put a hand on the back of Clark’s neck, and pressed their lips together. An amused sound vibrated from Clark, sending a rush of static across Julian’s face. Clark reciprocated the kiss, hand on the base of Julian’s tingling spine. He was warm. The floor grew soft underneath his shoes. Relief overtook his body and his lungs weren’t as tight as they were for the last seven hours. This was what he wanted, needed, and deserved—a clean slate, a future unmarred by the past. And he was glad to have that with Clark.

He sighed when he had to end the kiss. Clark leaned towards him, eyes still closed and lips still parted, searching for more. Julian let himself giggle. 

Clark’s eyes fluttered open. He cleared his throat. “Well,” he said, keeping one arm around Julian’s waist, “that was better than I could’ve ever imagined.” 

Julian hit him with the bouquet. “Shut up.” He plucked a lollipop, unwrapped it, and put it in his mouth. Then he also put an arm around Clark’s waist, leaning his head on Clark’s shoulder, ignoring whoever was taking photos of them.

Many more kisses followed suit. None of them were in the public eye anymore, save for one they had to post on social media to end any questions. Even then, it was just a candid of Clark kissing Julian on the cheek. 

Julian loved kissing Clark. He loved waking up to Clark. He loved the natural continuation of their relationship, as if it was the most obvious, logical step forward. As if Julian hadn’t left. He loved how tender Clark was, with every embrace, every touch, every smile. He loved the way Clark tried and failed to make breakfast in bed but at least the coffee was perfect. He loved the way Clark taught him guitar. He loved the way they sang together. He loved how committed and reciprocal and uncomplicated Clark was. He loved how Clark didn’t hesitate to say “I love you” one day when he left Julian’s place early to go to a writing session with Haven and how he didn’t try to take it back when Julian was too shocked to respond. He loved the way Clark reintroduced him to Haven as his boyfriend. He loved how Clark laughed when him and Haven whaled on Clark for being a cheesy dumbass. He loved Clark Sawyer. And when he said it aloud, in front of the man himself, it tasted like an indisputable fact of life. 

There was still a part of him that looked at Clark and thought, “This could’ve been Logan.” Then the subsequent thought was, “It isn’t and it won’t be, because Clark isn’t Logan and Logan isn’t Clark. There is no use comparing.” And although Julian had to be mindful to respond to these automatic thoughts, he was happy to note that he didn’t think of them often enough to warrant any sort of insecurity regarding how he felt. Not even when he had to pick up Logan and Derek from the airport. 

It was such a strange sensation of freedom, seeing Logan and not immediately experiencing a pang of yearning for something much needed but out of reach. There was a prick of it moments later when they hugged, though nothing more later. That was more of a conscious effort on Julian’s part. While there was no use dwelling and wallowing in it before Clark, there was all the more reason to keep trudging forward now. 

“Thank god you guys are here. I’ve been so bored,” Julian whined as they walked to the car, security still trailing behind them. 

“I’m sure you are just positively dying in your multi-million dollar mansion and your A-list Christmas presents and your warm weather.” Logan blew his nose into an already abused wad of tissues. 

Derek chortled. “You know, it’s just been so hard,” he added, with a comically exaggerated valley accent. “My mansion is too big, I have to walk everywhere instead of carried. And then I got a designer coat but I can’t wear it in the city because it would be too hot and I don’t want to perspire on it. And then my rockstar boyfriend is just not there for me because he has a ‘career’ or whatever.” 

Julian scoffed, rolling his eyes far back into his head that it kinda hurt. “While all of that is all obviously accurate, I’ll have you know Clark and I have been spending a lot of time together.” He leaned into Derek’s ear. “A lot of time, if you know what I mean.” 

“Oh god!” Derek raised his arms. 

“We’re having sex, Derek.” Julian continued, getting into Derek’s space. “That’s what I meant.” 

“I do not need this a day before I have to meet him!” Derek started to swat Julian away and Julian kept hovering near him. 

“Hot, raunchy, marathon sex.” 

“Oh my god,” Logan grumbled as he rubbed his face with both hands, “I’m too congested for this.” 

“Aw, wittle WoWo.” Julian pinched Logan’s cheek, who then pushed it away with a slight smile. “Don’t wowwy. Juwian wiww give you his fur cwoat to cwuddle in and be warm and I wiww give you wots of twea and cookies.” After a bout of scowls from both Derek and Logan, Julian then added, “No seriously. How are you? Do we actually need to bring you to the hospital?” 

Julian hesitated but put a hand on Logan’s forehead, then neck. There was another prick of feelings but he focused on his concern. Logan didn’t feel any warmer than he remembered. Logan took his wrist and pushed it down. Julian noted that Logan didn’t look at him when he said, “No. I just need some rest and over-the-counter med.” 

“Okay. Wouldn’t want you to infect a bunch of celebrities. We have work in the new year, you know.” 

“Wouldn’t dream of it.” Then, after a pause, he said, “Thanks, Jules.” 

Julian shrugged. “Of course.” 

It seemed too easy. Julian waited for the other shoe to drop. For him to stare at Logan long enough for the emotional dam to break and then he was swept back to his knees, worshipping the temple of Logan. He waited for one more touch to twist his heard. He waited for the right tender moment while watching a movie, sneaking some wine from his mom, or while exchanging presents. Julian held his breath. He took inventory of his feelings and thoughts as they came with every interaction. And when it was time for all of them to go to bed, Julian found himself alone for the first time the whole day. 

He stared out his window, the TV on with a show he only listening to a quarter of. He couldn’t believe how light he felt, how far the past truly was. His chest didn’t hurt. It always did around Logan. And for the first time in a surprisingly long time, Julian was proud of himself. 

He looked down at his phone, at the thread of texts him and Clark had exchanged throughout the day. The last message he sent was an hour ago. “I’m sorry in advance if they seem like assholes at first. I promise you they’re not that bad haha.” 

Clark replied a few minutes after that. “I trust you. But you’ll defend my honor, won’t you? Lol.” Julian didn’t reply. He was in the middle of a very heated, very tipsy game of Exploding Kittens, which led to a second text from Clark. “I can’t believe you won’t defend my honor!!! JKJK. I’m pretty pooped. Long day. Tell you about it tomorrow. Can’t wait to see you. Sweet dreams, my beautiful sunset boy.” Then three heart emojis. Pink, purple, blue.

Julian grinned and pressed his phone against his chest. He felt silly. This wasn’t some dumb teen movie and he wasn’t a simple schoolboy and Clark wasn’t just a crush, and yet he was giddy like it was. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Last chapter:  
"Clark Sawyer didn’t drink, but seeing Julian disappear with Logan so close to midnight had him wondering if he should accept the champagne the next time it comes around."


	4. Lightning

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> _Those eyes, one look and I'm enchanted_   
_Your voice a serenade, and it sings to my heart_   
_One kiss, turned the skies to gray_   
_I'll never get away, no shelter from the rain_

Clark Sawyer didn’t drink, but seeing Julian disappear with Logan so close to midnight had him wondering if he should accept the champagne the next time it comes around.

He was being irrational. He clenched his fist and powered his way through a conversation with a borderline drunk Cameron, trying not to look at the balcony Logan and Julian walked through. Julian was allowed to have friends—best friends. He wasn’t going to turn into one of those boyfriends who felt threatened every time their significant other talked to someone. Not to mention, he’d be playing into bisexual stereotypes, and while he was new to this orientation, he wasn’t ignorant. Julian hadn’t given Clark any reason to earn his distrust. Ever since he arrived from Dalton, ever since their first kiss, Julian had done nothing but make Clark fall in love with him more. Even when Logan and Derek arrived, Julian’s affections drowned him and he was happy to die in them.

Clark did—and he wasn’t pleased to know that he did—look for any cracks in any facade. Logan was a big part of Julian’s life. In some ways, more so than Derek. And Clark wasn’t immune to the traps of insecurity. He let that guide him through their interactions, taking notes of every touch and every smile and every look and every sentence and every laugh. Hoping for the best, bracing for the worst. But in the three times they were all together, he found nothing. He felt so foolish having done so. Julian even noticed, on the second day they spent with Logan and Derek.

“You were being weird,” Julian said, in the middle of brushing his teeth in Clark’s bathroom. He leaned on the door frame, wearing a Haven hoodie from their first tour as a boyband.

“What do you mean?” Clark asked. He maintained his relaxed position against the headboard and pillows. Sweat had begun beading across the small of his back, despite it being one of the coldest nights in LA.

“With Logan.” He said it so pointedly that Clark could feel that jab in his chest. “You were being all standoffish. I expected that from everyone else. Okay, maybe not Mikey, but he’s the exception.

Clark kept his face impassive. “I’m sorry. I didn’t mean for it to be. It’s just...Logan makes me feel awkward. Like I did something wrong? I don’t know. It feels like he’s your brother and he’s sizing me up, making sure I don’t do anything untoward. I haven’t gotten that from Derek and he’s the one with the little sister, so...it’s weird.” He kept himself from saying “I don’t know” a second time. Saying “I don’t know” was one of his more glaring tells. Julian said so himself.

And it wasn’t a complete lie. Logan did make Clark feel awkward. He caught Logan staring at him once or twice with a sharp wariness that Clark couldn’t place. It made him think that Logan had a plan and that plan was to sweep Julian off his feet then take him away. Then he realized that maybe he’d spent too much time with Haven ragging on shitty romcoms while high.

After a beat, Julian snorted, turned to the sink, and spat out the foam. “God, what an idiot.” He walked to Clark’s bed, tumbling into it, facing the ceiling following a roll towards Clark. “He’s just being a weirdo, don’t mind him.”

Clark shifted nearer. Julian automatically laid his head across Clark’s torso. He took comfort in that. “What do you mean?” Clark asked.

Julian sighed. “You’re taller than him and it freaks him out.”

Clark couldn’t help a burst of laughter. He smacked Julian lightly on the shoulder. “That’s stupid.”

“Exactly.”

“Wait, you’re not kidding?”

“Nope. Like I said,” Julian scrunched his nose and pressed a kiss on Clarks’ stomach, “he’s being an idiot. Nothing to worry about.”

“If you say so.” Clark leaned down to kiss Julian’s head. Julian smiled, pushing himself up from the bed to press a quick kiss on the lips too. Clark wished that his insecurities would let him believe that what Julian said was the whole story. But, for what it was worth, Julian managed to assuage some of his worries that night.

Still, during their third meeting, this one with Haven, Logan remained aloof, though he did attempt a few conversations about music. That was no doubt Julian’s doing. This time, Clark noted that whenever he and Julian were near each other, Logan wouldn’t even turn his head in their direction unless Julian talked to him. Unlike Julian, Logan was easier to read. His smile was too strained and thin. His knuckles were white more often than not. He spoke in practiced sentences, which could either mean general social awkwardness or manicured hostility. Either way, Logan’s discomfort was clear. And Clark couldn’t help but hold Julian just a little bit closer.

His bandmates noticed too, and speculated around Clark once their guests had gone.

“He’s totally going to try and do something during New Year’s at Izzy’s,” Sinny said, pacing the length of their couch. “How can someone not like Clark? It’s like one step away from not liking Mikey!”

“Clark is right here,” Clark said as he rubbed his face with one hand. “Do you really think he’s going to try something?”

“Not if you defend your territory,” Raven said, shaking Clark’s shoulders. “You can take him. You’re taller and beefier. And you’ve got us.”

“We are not getting into a fight with a couple of high schoolers,” Mikey interjected.

“Julian isn’t ‘territory.’ He’s not an object. He’ll break up with me if I try to do anything without any real reason to,” Clark retorted. “Logan is his best friend. Maybe he’s just being protective.”

“Protective my ass,” Sinny replied. “He’s not just protective. He doesn’t like you. And you said so yourself, Julian had a thing for him and had to admit during that thing way back when.” Clark was regretting sharing this tidbit. “And maybe, you know, he’s starting to get feelings but you got there first and now he’s going to do something to rekindle what Julian once had with him.”

“Dude,” Corey said from one end of the couch, arms crossed. “You sound like a bad Wikipedia synopsis.” Sinny scoffed.

“Crazy as it sounds,” Raven added, turning back to Clark, “You have to stand your ground. Logan looks like the type of guys who get what they want by any means necessary. You should sit him the fuck down and tell him to back off.”

“No. I’m not going to intimidate the guy!” Clark leaned back on the couch.

“You can’t ignore it either. He’s planning something,” Raven countered.

“You know what, I am going to ignore it.” Sinny, Raven, and even Corey, started to protest. “Listen, whatever Logan has with Julian, that’s his business. Julian hasn’t done anything to make me think he’s going to elope with Logan. The best thing that I can do now is trust Julian. And if any of this,” he vaguely gestured up and down his chest, “is real, and I know, I just know, it is, then there’s nothing to worry about. If Logan makes him choose, I know Julian’s going to choose me. I hope Logan doesn’t because that would really suck for Julian.”

There was silence for a few beats. Then Mikey said, “What if he chooses Logan.”

Clark didn’t want to consider it. He didn’t want to imagine it. He said, “That would really suck.”

“How—” Sinny began.

“I don’t want to think about it. I’ll figure it out.”

“We could make sure they remain separated during the party,” Raven said. “And we could use Mikey as a distraction because he’s the prettiest.”

“Excuse me?”

“No. No dumb rom-com shit. We seriously need to stop watching those things for a while,” Clark said. “We leave it alone. I believe in me and Julian. That should’ve been the start and end of this conversation.” Though it didn’t seem like it, he was trying to convince himself that more than he was trying to convince the others. And while they let the subject go, with some mild teasing about how gross him and Julian were to alleviate the sour turn their conversation turned, Raven and Sinny told him the code word was “Vanderpump Rules” and they would “spring into action.”

Up until the moment Julian disappeared with Logan, everything seemed fine. They were attached by the hand. Julian often had his arms around one of Clark’s as they mingled with a few Hollywood acquaintances. Julian snuck drinks from Clark’s glass, something that Clark took just for this instance. Being out in public with Julian as a couple kept him bubbly, no champagne required. There was an easy choreography to the interactions. Two charming men in a room full of charming people. Clark had never been happier than looking down and seeing Julian sharing a grin with him.

Then he slipped away. Clark was never going to say no to that. Not even when it was so close to midnight. He wasn’t superstitious and he had new year kisses before so he wasn’t missing anything, but he would’ve preferred to have Julian stay if only for a few more minutes.

“I need to check on them. Make sure they don’t do anything scandalous.” Julian took a last sip of champagne from Clark and winked. That would’ve been an understandable excuse if both Derek and Logan were trying to flirt with celebrities. While Clark could see Derek trying to shoot his shot with Cara Delevigne, Logan had been standing by his lonesome whenever he wasn’t with Derek or Julian.

He held Julian’s hand and kissed him quickly on the lips. To his relief, Julian went up his toes and kissed him back with a giggle before sauntering away. He took a deep breath. All he could do was trust that he was going to come back.

* * *

Logan Wright was angry. Angry that he was jealous. Angry that he couldn’t play nice, even when Julian asked him to. Angry that he was going to ruin his friendship with Julian by wanting Julian for his own. Angry at Clark for being perfect and kind and likable. Angry that he was forcing himself not to drink too much alcohol. He was going to cause a scene if he got drunk. He knew he would. That pissed him off. He wished he could numb all of these roiling feelings inside of him instead of counting to twenty and doing breathing exercises and practicing mindfulness or whatever the fuck. He was surrounded by beautiful men. Some of them were actually interested and within a decent age range. Julian told them to enjoy themselves and Derek was. Why couldn’t he? Why couldn’t he just let this fucking go and have everything go back to normal?

“Hey,” Julian appeared beside him. Logan glanced around for Clark but his dumb tall head was several feet away, back towards him. “Wanna take a breather from this party?”

Several fantasies pranced across Logan’s mind as he said, “Yeah, sure.”

Julian nodded to an unspecified direction. Logan followed. His heartbeat quickened as they reached a balcony. Julian shut the door behind them. The muted sounds of the city harmonized with the evening wind. Julian took a deep breath. Logan did too.

“What’re you drinking?” Julian asked, but he grabbed the glass anyway and drank it. His face folded into an incredulous expression. “You know you could totally get away with a drink here, right? I’ve just been drinking from Clark because it’s a little fun.”

Logan tried not to bristle. He had no right to bristle. “Yeah. I didn’t want to make an ass of myself in front of these people. Imagine the scandal. Derek seems like he’s on the way to one.” Julian chuckled.

“He’ll be fine.” Julian paused. “You’re okay, right? Having fun?”

“Honestly?”

Julian’s face broke into a huge grin. “It’s a little boring, isn’t it?”

And just like that, every angry spike Logan grew on his body got mowed away. He laughed. “I didn’t want to tell you that.”

“We should’ve gone to Patrick’s. Izzy’s all about the whole ‘becoming the perfect hostess’ thing lately. Good in theory but we’re still young enough to party. Why start slowing down now?” Julian continued. “Cameron’s going after midnight. We could still run away.”

A thrill rang through Logan’s heart at the sound of that. Though he was sure Haven and Derek would come along, he let himself imagine that it was just him and Julian. “That would be fun.”

“I’m sorry I dragged you here first,” Julian said.

“No, no. It’s not that bad. The food’s great and Izzy took note of my dietary restrictions. It was nice talking to some of them. Who knew stars were just like us?”

“Rich and privileged?” Logan laughed again.

They stayed out there for a while, talking about the people behind them and how to get in and out of Patrick’s party without it being splashed across the tabloids. They talked about the next few days before they had to go back to Dalton. Logan was at ease. This was almost normal, if Logan weren’t so aware of how far their hands were from one another and how far Clark was from them and how his anger still lingered at the bottom of his stomach.

Premature fireworks dotted over the city. Julian reminisced about the first time he remembered seeing them. “Disneyland,” he said. “My parents were still together but you know.” Julian smiled at him just as a firework brightened and colored one side of his face. Logan’s chest clenched. His fingers curled into a fist, stopping himself from stealing a kiss. It would’ve been romantic, had the kiss was his to begin with. Now, it would’ve been a plain, unromantic crime.

Logan glanced at his watch. “It’s almost midnight. We should go back. For the countdown. Clark’s probably looking for you.”

“Do you like him?” Julian asked, interrupting Logan’s exit.

That was a complicated question and he had a complicated answer, but he wasn’t here to complicate Julian’s life. “Yes.” Julian leaned on the balcony, resting his chin on his hand. “I do! I do like him. He makes you happy. What more can I ask for?” And that was the truth. He didn’t have to like the taste of it but there it was. If Julian was happy, far be it from him to actually hate Clark. There was nothing wrong with Clark. Logan simply couldn’t accept that he hesitated for too long.

Julian stared at him. His gaze darted across Logan’s face. When he started to blush, he also began to itch. It was like Julian was trying to drill into his mind through his cheeks. Regardless, Logan didn’t turn away. Then Julian reached over and took his hand.

“Logan, you’re still my best friend, okay? I love you and nothing will change that,” Julian said.

Logan kept his expression from souring. He yearned for more but he lost his chance. He squandered it by looking for it in others when Julian was right beside him. He didn’t want to lose any more of Julian than he already did. “I know. I love you too,” he said as nonchalantly as he could muster.

Julian shook his head. “I stood where you’re standing right now. Said the same sentiments. Looked with that same look on your face.” Hot as he was, Logan’s blood began to freeze. He was stiff and rigid and it felt like if Julian pulled his hand away now, he’d splinter and break apart, then melt into nothingness. His mind raced backwards, searching and scrubbing for moments where he was being too obvious with his heart on his sleeve. He held his breath. He didn’t know what to say or do. Except run.

“Don’t be afraid. It’s okay.” Julian put another hand over his hand. “It’s okay that I know, the same way you said it was okay that you knew.”

“Jules, I—” Logan’s lip trembled with an inhale.

Julian reached over and wiped the stray tear from the corner of his eye. Logan shivered. He resisted the temptation to lean into Julian’s hand. “It’s okay. I just want to say that you’re still my best friend, even after everything that’s happened and is happening. You won’t lose me because of this. You know that, right?”

“I—” Logan sniffled. “Sometimes I think I might. I really, really fucked up.”

Julian’s eyes began to water as well. “No, you didn’t. Things happened. As they do.”

“Yeah.”

“But I want to say not to wait. Aren’t you too old to have a crush on a celebrity?”

Logan, completely beside himself, found a way to laugh. “Fuck off.”

Julian snorted. “Yeah, sorry. But, don’t wait for me. Let me go. I let that part of me go and you should the same. I know you can. We can’t go back to the way it was with the roles reversed.”

Logan let go of Julian’s hand to catch the tears himself, so Julian wouldn’t have to touch him and he wouldn’t have to be touched. He shuddered. “Fuck. Sorry. I mean…I really didn’t see a good thing when it was right in front of me, huh?” He didn’t expect Julian to laugh, but he did. And it was comforting to hear.

“There will be better,” Julian said. “There will be more. I promise. Look at it this way, if I got over you, you’ll get over me.”

“I don’t think it’ll be that easy,” Logan admitted.

“Well, tell me how I can help.”

“I don’t suppose we can elope right now?”

Again, Julian laughed and again Logan found comfort in it. Like everything was normal.

“I’m afraid that’s one of the things I can’t do,” Julian answered.

“Figured.” Logan rubbed his face clean and managed to smile. “I’ll be fine. I promise. Maybe…maybe I’ll need space and time.” He looked down at his non-alcoholic drink. “And wine.”

“Space and time and wine,” Julian agreed. “And therapy?”

Logan waggled his head, conceding. “And therapy.” They were quiet for a while, letting this whole conversation sink in. A part of him, a surprisingly big part of him, was thankful that Julian dumped all of this out in the open. At least now, he knew where he could stand. It was unsteady and nowhere he wanted to be but it was a place with a path. It was better than floundering and drowning and resenting.

“It’s almost midnight,” Julian commented.

“Yeah.” Logan turned to the doors.

“Let’s look for Derek,” Julian said right before he pressed a kiss on Logan’s cheek. A consolation prize, Logan knew, but he was still very happy to have it.

* * *

Julian Larson made it a point to ring in the new year with Logan and Derek. He was vibrating with emotion. He didn’t prepare for the conversation that happened on that balcony. He even convinced himself that nothing was going on with Logan. Then Logan said words he’d said before in a tone he knew all too well with a look he’d worn too many times. Julian couldn’t let Logan fumble in the dark of his feelings. It hurt, knowing once upon a time in a land far, far away, this could’ve ended in a kiss while fireworks peppered the sky and their favorite song played. At the same time, he knew it was for the better. After all, no movie showed what came next.

Logan was still his best friend. He extended the same kindness Logan extended months ago when everything was out in the open and he wasn’t going stop. Logan wasn’t going to lose him. Not this way.

They found Derek stumbling towards them with a goofy, Grey Goose grin. They teased him and he slurred his rebuttals. Julian put his arms around both of their waists.

“Shouldn’t you be with your boyfriend so you could kiss him?” Derek puckered his lips at Julian.

“Got my boy friends right here,” Julian squeezed them both. “When was the last time we rung the new year in together? I kiss Clark all the time. Now this, this is special.” He smiled, first at Derek then at Logan. There was a watery tenderness to his expression in response. Julian knew this was the kind of reassurance Logan needed because it would’ve been the same kind of reassurance he would look for back when he was in the unrequited zone.

“You fuckin’ sap.” Derek smacked Julian in the chest.

“You love it.” Julian nudged his head into Derek’s head.

The countdown began. Julian searched the crowd for Clark, which was easy. A worried look passed Clark’s face for a moment then broke when Julian caught his gaze. Clark raised a hand. Julian looked at Derek and Logan shouting numbers then back at Clark. He blew a kiss. Clark put a hand on his chest.

They jumped when everyone screamed, “Happy New Year!” Music blared through the speakers, confetti came tumbling down the ceiling, fireworks pierced through the celebration. Suddenly, Izzy’s party wasn’t so boring after all.

Julian pulled the three of them into a tight hug as they jumped. Derek told them how much he loved them. Logan remained quiet but grinning. Even though this would’ve been the perfect moment for him and Clark to kiss, Julian wouldn’t have wanted it any other way. It promised something normal, balancing out the bullshit year he had leading up to this moment. He hoped it would keep that promise.

After they were done jumping, Julian saw Clark excusing his way through the floor of people. Julian moved himself out of the embrace. “Be right back,” he said. Derek whooped after him. He turned to see how Logan fared and Logan gave him a short smile before turning away towards a table with full flutes of champagne. Julian powered through. He was going to be fine. Like he said, if he could get over Logan, Logan could get over him.

“Hey stranger.” Clark’s hands found his waist before their eyes met. Julian put his arms around Clark’s shoulders and they slotted together in one perfect motion. “Happy New Year,” he whispered. Julian felt it on his lips more than he heard it. They pulled each other into a kiss that had Julian’s bones melting like wax. He forgot, for that long, lingering moment, any weight or any conflicted feelings he had. Clark held him like he was holding on to water, trying his best not to let it slip away. One hand clutched Julian’s hair. His other arm was tight around his waist. He could feel Clark’s fingers splayed across the small of his back, digging in. Julian’s heart went into a full sprint. He could feel himself glow brighter than all the fireworks combined.

He pulled away, but not too far. Breathless, Julian managed to say, “Happy New Year,” into Clark’s lips too before pressing into yet another kiss. This time, he was sure that the cheering was for them instead of the New Year as their tongues met. Julian felt Clark dip him backwards. He laughed against Clark’s lips. He ran his fingers through Clark’s hair, leading their tongues into a final embrace before he slipped away, tossing his head back, and laughing. Clark laughed too, pressing a kiss against Julian’s throat.

Clark eased them upright. They smiled at each other. There was nothing more Julian could ever ask for.


End file.
